Finding Your Voice

My high school yearbook was filled with notes from classmates calling me kind, calm, and a great listener. Those words felt like a badge of honor, reinforcing traits shaped by my upbringing. Growing up in the environment I did, I learned to be quiet and pleasing, a survival tactic known as fawning. Family members modeled this behavior, and praise for being “nice” solidified it as a core part of who I was.

A Double-Edged Strength

Over the years, I’ve been celebrated as a grounded, empathetic listener. As a somewhat introverted person, I cherish kindness, reflection, and deep listening. These qualities align with my values. When chosen deliberately, these traits empower me, reflecting my inner truth. But when they’re automatic, they can mask feelings of powerlessness, hiding discomfort or resentment behind a polite smile

The Cost of Staying Silent

This pattern often surfaces in the face of controlling or domineering behavior from others. Internally, I resent being silenced or pushed, yet I might nod politely, concealing my frustration. Years ago, during a conversation with my cousin, her constant interruptions left me feeling unheard and bulldozed. For too long, I smiled through it, trying to stay “nice.” Then, in a moment of exasperation, I stomped my foot and blurted out, “You’re not listening!” Yes, I actually stomped my foot, a childish outburst born of feeling “less than.” By staying passive, I handed her the “powerful” role, only to try and reclaim it with a tantrum. Both extremes undermined genuine connection.

Intimacy Requires Truth

Emotionally mature communication means speaking your truth directly, not hiding, not fading into the background, not smiling to mask your experience. Silence may seem kind, but it can cast you as a victim or fuel feelings of helplessness. At its extreme, it leads to avoidance, emotional distance, or shutting down, fostering power struggles instead of intimacy.

Beyond Communication Skills

Are communication skills the solution? Partly. While “how-to” skills are essential for healthy dialogue, they’re not enough on their own. Lasting change requires uncovering the unconscious drivers, like fear or fawning, that fuel passive behavior. Without addressing these deeper patterns, old habits persist, keeping you stuck.

Claim Your Voice

If this resonates, reflect: How do I truly feel? Am I afraid to share my truth? Do I worry about seeming “not nice,” rocking the boat, or hurting feelings? Finding your voice and personal power, not over others, but rooted in truth, takes courage, skills, and guidance. Intimacy thrives on this strength, fostering honest, meaningful connections. As Dr. Alexandra Solomon notes, intimacy and power struggles cannot coexist: you’re either in a “me vs. you” power struggle or an “us against the problems” partnership.

Tip: List your defenses, the behaviors you exhibit in a power struggle. You’ll know you’re in one if you feel defensive, righteous, withdrawn, or a need to win, rather than open, willing, receptive, or curious. What do you do when you’re defensive?

Ready to step out of the power struggle and become the person and partner you want to be? Let’s get to work to help you claim your voice and responsibly speak your truth. If I can do it… so can you!