November Reflections: Top Regrets and How to Live Without Them

As we embrace November’s gentle call to gratitude and introspection, it’s a perfect moment to ponder what truly enriches our lives. Insights from palliative care and psychological research reveal common regrets at life’s end, often around unfulfilled dreams, relational misses, and skewed priorities. Bronnie Ware’s The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, drawn from her time with terminally ill patients, captures these poignantly, and while anecdotal, it aligns with studies like a 2024 Frontiers in Psychology review linking regrets to interpersonal and self-growth gaps, or a 2016 European Journal of Cancer study on end-of-life decisions.

Below, I share the most common regrets, backed by research, along with what people wish they’d prioritized. These are broad patterns shaped by culture, gender, and experiences, but they offer gentle guidance for living more fully now.

# 1. Not Living a Life True to Themselves (Most Common Regret)

Many regret yielding to others’ expectations, family, society, or career, over their own dreams, leading to unfulfilled potential and a sense of lost authenticity. Research highlights “inaction regrets” (paths not taken) as the most enduring, especially in selfactualization.

What They Wish They’d Spent More Time On: Pursuing passions, taking heartfelt risks (like career shifts), and embracing authenticity through self-discovery and bold choices.

My Thoughts: In my practice, I’ve had the honor of working with many over 60 who inspire me deeply. One remarkable man reflects back on his life, alchemizing regrets and failures into wisdom by doing his emotional work, and then he shares this with his adult son. It’s beautiful to witness this sacred work, turning life’s lessons into a legacy during this reflective season.

# 2. Working Too Hard

Common especially among men, this regret stems from overcommitting to work, missing precious moments with loved ones and self. Studies on work-life balance connect excessive work to end-of-life dissatisfaction and diminished well-being.

What They Wish They’d Spent More Time On: Cherishing time with family and friends, pursuing hobbies, relaxing, and building memories beyond the office, choosing simpler, more meaningful paths.

My Thoughts: Try this visualization: Imagine driving a car down an open road, with only one stop allowed. Along the way you’ll find your spouse, kids, family, friends, career, or unlimited wealth along the road. You can only stop once. Where do you pull over? It’s a reminder that while all matter, priorities differ. If conflicted, bring it to session. It’s a doorway to alignment.

# 3. Not Expressing Feelings

Suppressing emotions to keep peace often leads to unresolved conflicts and shallow bonds. Research ties emotional restraint to greater regret and lower life satisfaction; studies on grief show unexpressed feelings deepen sorrow.

What They Wish They’d Spent More Time On: Sharing love, gratitude, and grievances openly; healing relationships through honest dialogue; and expressing themselves freely for a more authentic life.

Caution: How you express emotion matters. If you are authentic and also screaming at someone, that is not healthy expression. While it may be true, this dynamic is damaging in its effect.

My Thoughts: One of my favorite quotes is,

“The mind creates the abyss, and the heart crosses it,” by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj. Let that resonate. It’s a beautiful nudge toward vulnerability and connection, bridging what divides us.

# 4. Losing Touch with Friends

Busy lives erode friendships, culminating in end-of-life loneliness. Social connection research, like Harvard’s Grant Study, shows strong ties foster happier, healthier lives; their fade brings deep sorrow.

What They Wish They’d Spent More Time On: Nurturing bonds with regular outreach, shared experiences, and valuing friends over temporary demands like work.

My Thoughts: In our rapidly changing world, authentic friendships and community act as a soothing buffer against upheaval. They remind us we’re not alone, offering support and shared laughter along the way.

# 5. Not Allowing Themselves to Be Happier

Many regret clinging to comfort zones or grudges. Positive psychology links choosing joy to fewer regrets; mindset shifts can transform end-of-life reflections.

What They Wish They’d Spent More Time On: Embracing playfulness and cultivating positive habits; releasing negativity to savor life’s simple delights.

My Thoughts: Happiness is an emotion, not a constant state. We can’t force it, but we can cultivate good attitudes and life-giving habits. Life’s true essence is growth, not just joy. When stuck in anger, grudges, or grief, these can become gateways to selfunderstanding. I’ve witnessed profound courage in clients navigating loss. They find compassion through their pain, softening egos and deepening connections. It’s deeply moving to walk alongside them.

Additional research nuances include regrets over delayed end-of-life choices (like prioritizing quality time sooner) and not embracing vulnerability for love.

Ultimately, nurturing authenticity, relationships, and balance can soften regrets, paving the way for fulfillment.