The Birds and the Bees and the Flowers and the Trees: Talking Sex with Our Kids

Have you ever tried to help your kids with their math homework only to struggle because the new math is so unfamiliar to you?! So frustrating.

Your children are growing up in a different world than you did. There is so much information available, from so many sources, about any topic imaginable. Technology opens up vast possibilities for us, but comes with challenges too.

Regarding sexuality, kids live in a world where they have access to sexual content including pornography, and let’s face it, sex sells everything. Parental controls are somewhat helpful, but there are ways around them. Even when a kid can’t access something on their own device, they may be able to on someone else’s. This leaves parents feeling out-of-control and as though they need to find better ways to control their kids. This approach sets up a dance of control and rebellion that is simply unproductive and frustrating for everyone concerned.

Kids are naturally curious about sex. Born sexual beings, their curiosity makes wonderful sense and is not a sign of deviance or a sinful nature. It’s natural for them to wonder about this big, pleasurable, mysterious energy within them. They are bombarded with imagery that evokes curiosity and arousing sexual feelings. They are offered opportunities to satisfy their curiosity, often without much, if any, good guidance. Exposure being inevitable, what kids genuinely need are available parents who are ready to talk about sex with their children.

Kids need to see their parents as the authority; the go to source for much needed guidance. When kids have access to parents who do not criticize or judge them, or behave as if sex is embarrassing to discuss, they feel safe to learn about this part of themselves. They have a resource for finding out how to deal with sexual energy and use it in healthy, responsible ways and for making sense of all they are exposed to. 

“A study of “3,000 young people ages 12-15, were asked who they felt the highest influencers were when it came to their sexual decision making. 52% said parents. Friends came in at 17%. A similar sample size of adults were asked the same question and they overwhelmingly assumed that young people said their friends were the highest influencers. This tells us that youth want to talk to their parents, and parents often underestimate their influence.”

https://sexpositivefamilies.com/8-reasons-parents-avoid-the-talks

The sex talk should really be sex talks, plural. Ideally, these talks would happen throughout different development stages of a child’s life and involve both parents, not only the same sex parent. It is healthy to encourage your children’s questions and to answer them in age appropriate ways. Some of their questions could be perplexing for parents, kind of like math homework. Many parents didn’t have sex education, or what they had was limited to biology. They may have never had open discussions within their families of rearing. Sometimes parents assume that someone else will teach their children, such as schools, clergy or counselors. Your kids need to learn from you. In fact, they are learning from you. If you don’t talk about sex, they learn that sex cannot be talked about - at least not with you. They learn you are too uncomfortable for them to talk to. Your kids learn more from what you model than from what you say.

Sex is more than biology and body parts. There is much for a kid to understand and learn. Parents need to know how to teach children about the biological, emotional and relational, and spiritual aspects of sex. As parents, you don’t have to have all the answers, just the willingness and openness to seek answers so you can help your youth. 

Talking about sex with your kids can be tough when you aren’t sure of your own values around this topic. I help parents clarify their values and beliefs around sex, so they can teach their children with confidence. I help them learn the skills to navigate the sex talks, teach them when their kids are ready for what material, and help them clarify how much should be shared. This is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Every parent and child are different and developmental levels, particular personalities and life experiences  need to be taken into consideration. I also help parents understand the cultural forces, pertaining to sex and sexuality, that young people are facing right now. It is not my role to tell parents what they should value or believe, but to teach parents the skills that help them find clarity for themselves.

It is possible to guide your kids with confidence, clarity, comfort, and wisdom. I can help. Call me and let’s get started. 

It is essential that we talk about sex! 

Radiantly Yours, Tycee

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Certified Couples and Sex Therapy Informed Professional  Co-Creator of The Sensual Woman Series 

Here I share information, tips, and resources to support your growth.

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More resources:

https://www.talk-more.org/research: Research Tells Us: Sexuality Education & Families