The Subtle Power Plays That Dim the Spark in Your Relationship

You know that flutter in your chest when your partner walks in, and their face lights up just for you? It’s like when my best friend greets me with a warm hug, making me feel cherished. That’s the magic Dr. Tom Murray describes in his book Making Nice with Naughty—those “eyes lighting up” moments that spark joy, trust, and closeness. But sometimes, subtle power dynamics in relationships can dim that glow. Ever notice who picks your date night spots? Who sets your kids’ bedtime rules? Or who’s always soothing the stress at home? These quiet power plays aren’t loud, but they can erode the connection you both crave.

What Are These Subtle Power Plays?

Power dynamics show up in small ways, often tied to an unconscious need to “win,” “be right,” or “meet YOUR needs.” Maybe one of you always plans family outings, decides the kids’ routines, or carries the emotional weight of keeping everyone happy. These habits can slip in, sometimes rooted in outdated norms like “moms handle the kids.” Over time, they can leave one partner feeling unheard, dulling those joyful, connected moments.

Here’s how they might look:

• Parenting Choices: One partner picks the kids’ school, discipline style, or activities, often seen as the “main parent.” The other feels sidelined, like their voice doesn’t matter.

• Everyday Decisions: One decides vacation spots or budgets, while the other nods to keep the peace.

• Emotional Load: One plans family events or soothes the other’s tough days, carrying the heart-work of the relationship.

• Communication Patterns: One partner, perhaps out of fear of not being heard, dominates conversations, leaving little room for the other to share.

  
  

These patterns creep in unnoticed but can block the warm, mutual connection where you both light up for each other.

Why This Matters

When one partner’s voice fades, it’s hard for them to feel truly seen—and the other partner may feel alone in decision-making, equally unseen. This chips away at trust. In my own life and therapy practice, I’ve seen how sidelining one partner’s input—like a parent ignored on school choices—can breed resentment. Left unchecked, these dynamics can:

• Stir Resentment: The sidelined partner feels invisible, like their ideas don’t count.

• Create Distance: The “in-charge” partner may feel overwhelmed, cooling the warmth between you.

• Block Joy: Power imbalances make it harder to co-regulate, calming each other’s hearts with shared delight.

  
  

How to Shift from Power to Connection

You can rekindle that spark with small, intentional steps. Here’s how to start:

• Notice the Patterns: Pause and ask, “Who’s setting our kids’ rules or planning our time?” Identify where one of you takes the lead. Often these patterns are based in unconscious assumptions rather than in conscious and verbalized agreements.

• Talk with Heart: Say something like, “I’d love for us to pick the kids’ activities together—what do you think?” Invite teamwork without blaming.

• Share the Lead: Take turns deciding—one night you handle bedtime, the next your partner does. Share emotional tasks, too, like checking in on each other’s day.

• Learn to Collaborate: Work toward decisions that honor both your needs. Unconscious habits—like avoiding conflict or needing to please—can get in the way. Therapy can help uncover these blocks, paving the way for true co-creation.

• Check In Often: Ask, “Do you feel heard in our parenting choices?” This keeps things open and fair.

• Seek Support: A therapist can guide you from power struggles to collaboration and connection.

  
  

The Heart of It

Moving away from power dynamics—where the focus is on “winning,” “being right,” or “being in control”—opens the door to cooperation, where the goal becomes “understanding,” “sharing,” and “co-creating.” This is where you both feel seen and valued, building the trust Dr. Murray describes. It’s the trust that lights up your eyes when you see each other, creating a safe, joyful haven that sparks calm and connection.

Try this today: When making a decision that impacts your family or relationship, pause and ask your partner, “What do you think?” These small shifts can make your relationship feel like a warm, welcoming embrace.

Want more ways to build trust and spark joy in your relationship? Subscribe to my Tip Line Relationship Column for heartfelt tips to deepen your connection!

Resource: Making Nice With Naughty, Dr. Tom Murray, Ph D

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Radiantly Yours, Tycee

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist  Certified Couples and Sex Therapy Informed Professional  Co-Creator of The Sensual Woman Series 

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