To the detriment of society, the topic of sex is one still avoided by many couples and families. It is often compartmentalized off only to be discussed during “the talk” with our kids, or in therapy only if it’s a problem.
When sex is not a topic of discussion in a family, between couples, and/or parents and children, the covert message is we don’t talk about that here. What we don’t talk about, we can’t effectively deal with. What we don’t acknowledge we cannot learn and grow from. If we can’t talk about it, we can’t harness the power of sexuality and use it in healthy ways. At our fingertips, we have beautiful, nutritious, and vibrant ingredients available to make the most delicious meal, but we can’t use them. They just sit there on the counter. Even worse, they don’t innocuously sit there. They are actually in the way. They take up counter space and require energy to avoid. Eventually, they spoil and smell up the kitchen.
Couples and individuals may want to discuss sex and the issues they face regarding sex, but fears arise and then they get stuck. In therapy, we start there - with the fears that arise. I help clients learn to see and deal with the fears in the way and then we can safely and openly begin talking about sex. The list of fears people share are many, but a few common ones include,
• I am worried that I/we are weird for having issues with sex, questions about sex, challenges around sex, or for my sexual desires….
• I fear I/we will be judged for having issues with sex, questions about sex, or for my sexual desires….
• I am too old to concern myself with sex.
• We have been married too long OR I have been single too long to worry about sexual issues.
• I really don’t know how to talk about sex with my kids and I am afraid, but I think I should know how, so I also feel inadequate.
• My significant other and I are not on the same page about sex and our values about sex differ, so talking about it only leads to conflict.
These fears are a result of living in a society that historically treats sex as taboo, sinful, bad, and wrong. The fact that someone would think their concerns are unusual is a clear sign of our discomfort with talking about sex. The truth is, everyone has issues connected to sex. Why is that? Because we’ve all received some sort of training about sex. Some of the training was probably useful and helpful, and some was not. Most, if not all of us, have been impacted by the way the society at large treats the topic. Sex is also highly relational and vulnerable. Emotional issues and relationship patterns show up in the way we engage in sex, or don’t. Sexuality is a powerful energy within us and when denied, it is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. That energy cannot be held down and will come out somewhere.
Not talking about sex or seeking to learn how to deal with issues related to sex in healthy ways, impacts individuals and families, but it also feeds societal problems.
For as long as I have been a therapist, I have worked with people who have experienced sexual trauma, in childhood and/or adulthood.
The emotional effects of sexual abuse, incest and sexual assault are far reaching. This emotional impact manifests in behavior that creates ongoing issues, often contributing to a perpetuation of unwanted experiences and relationship challenges. These problems impact the individual who was traumatized AND their families and communities. It is common that a person who has been sexually assaulted or abused will not talk about it, and if they do, it is still quite common that they won’t be believed. There are multiple reasons for this secrecy and dismissal. One of those reasons is that sex and issues related to sex are avoided. A culture that treats sex as taboo is one that is unwittingly complicit with the cycle of sexual abuse. A culture that treats sex as taboo allows misinformation about sex and sexuality to flourish.
It is essential that we talk about sex!
Radiantly Yours, Tycee
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
* Certified Couples and Sex Therapy Informed Professional
* Co-Creator of The Sensual Woman Series
Here I share information, tips, and resources to support your growth.
Thank you for reading! Drop me a line and share your thoughts. Contact me for greater depth of understanding!
More resources:
Dakini Leah Kenyon, www.LivingInTantra.com
Tammy Nelson, PhD, www.TheTroubleWithSex.com
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